Dear Nicola

Dear Nicola,

It was lovely to hear from you this afternoon at work. You have such a lovely pommy accent. However might I suggest that next time you ring the bloke you scored 'digits' off whilst off your chops at 'The Works' that when you dial the number make sure that it hasn't already rung somewhere else before you continue mashing numbers into your phone.

Next time we speak it would be great if you asked if I remember you before asking 'do you not remember me'. I might also like to add that it would be a good thing to listen to whats actually being said in reply to you. This way you could expand your vocabulary past the following phrases;

1)It's Nicola. I met you at 'The Works'. Do you not remember me?
2)It's Nicola, I was dancing with you. Do you not remeber me?
3)Remember I told you I was 18? Well thats not quite the truth. Do you not remember me?
4)It's Nicola. I was dancing with you at 'The Works'. Do you not remember me?

Now I'm not sure if you noticed a pattern there or not my sweet british sounding friend, but everytime you opened your highly educated mind into drive, you finished with 'Do you not remember me?' Let there be a lesson. When in reply a person says, 'I think you might have a wrong number, you have called a business phone number.' or 'I've never hear of 'The Works'' or even perhaps 'Whom are you actually trying to ring.' That you actually stop for a moment and maybe give yourself 10 seconds, fuck it.. 5 minutes for that information to digest and come back with something apart from the afore mentioned lines 1,2,3 or 4.

I wish you the best and I hope you get hit by a bus for the sake of all humanity before someone does knock you up and you pro-create.

-Dave.